Hello friends!
You’ve heard me mention Robert A. Glover, the world-famous author of the ever-popular No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Dating Essentials For Men probably half a dozen times at this point. What can I say, the man’s brilliant. There’s a reason his book sales continue to grow each year. You’ve also heard me discuss ideas from the hilarious and vulgar Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. Both of these men have discussed at great length the idea of vulnerability and being vulnerable. I’ve found these lessons quite useful in my own life. So with overconfidence in my own ability, let’s discuss them in more detail here.
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A lot of people wrongly associate vulnerability with weakness. Oxford Languages defines vulnerability as:
“The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”
while defining weakness as:
“The state or condition of lacking strength”.
To quote Mark Manson, “Vulnerability is about genuine, authentic expression”. It’s about revealing your virtues, and especially, your faults to someone. To openly share your passions, your interests, your fears, and most intimate moments. To risk them running away screaming and you being okay with that. It’s about saying, yeah, I know there’s a lot of fucked up things wrong with me, I’m working on them! It has nothing to do with weakness. In fact, being able to be vulnerable with someone is a sign of strength, not weakness.
If I had to guess, being vulnerable is slightly more difficult for men. Most men are taught to never express their feelings. To bottle them up and shove them away for later. To sit by passively, because, you know, “Happy wife happy life!!”. Because who gives a fuck about the husband, right! Most women are taught from a young age to express how they feel. Women are also more naturally in touch with their emotions than most men.
It’s quite sad to see an emasculated man avoid all forms of conflict, assuming all conflict is bad. There are healthy forms of conflict that need to be dealt with on a semi-regular basis, and all of these moments will require both people to be vulnerable with each other. It’s difficult to tell your partner what’s bothering you, but it’s absolutely necessary for the relationship to survive long term.
I think this is an important lesson that people need to hear. Being able to tell someone what you expect, what you want, being able to be vulnerable, is a learnable skill. More often than not, it’s going to take many days, if not weeks, months, or even years of ruthless introspection to figure out what you want in the first place, or why you do the things you do. Often these patterns begin during childhood as we watch our parents growing up, along with our interactions with our peers. And not only that, but most of these patterns and behaviors will remain unconscious until we reach adulthood. All this shit is super complex.
Being vulnerable is scary, but it’s necessary. Your life will be more fulfilling, your relationships more meaningful, and your path more straightforward if you set the tone and take the lead with vulnerability.
Until next Monday,
Your vulnerable friend,
Trevor
(Note: If you enjoy this newsletter, please consider sharing it with someone who would get a lot out of it. If this was shared with you, you can sign up here to receive it each Monday morning. It’s free, plus you get a handful of special "thank you's" when you sign up).