Hello friends!
We all know that couple whose relationship just doesn’t seem to be doing them any good. We use words like toxic or dysfunctional, all the while wondering why the fuck anybody would subject themselves to such misery. From the outside looking in, it seems obvious that the best thing for both parties would be to end things as quickly as possible. But when you are the person involved in that type of relationship, it’s very difficult to see what’s going on objectively. And even if you are objective, if you don’t have a comprehensive understanding of healthy boundaries, you’ll likely stick around much longer than you should.
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Most of us have clung to relationships way past their due date. Even with their dysfunction, at least the dysfunction is familiar and expected. To begin a completely new relationship means uncharted territory, the unknown domain, and getting back into the dating scene, something terrifying to most people who’ve previously committed to somebody. It’s easier for us to perpetuate patterns, even if those patterns are unhealthy and making us miserable, than to start all over from square one.
So how do we determine whether or not the person we’re with is just a bit stubborn or a violating asshole?
By setting boundaries.
Setting boundaries means you won’t tolerate intolerable behavior. That you won’t allow anybody to mistreat you. That you expect to be treated with respect and dignity and you will do the same in return. That when the person you’re with violates the boundaries you’ve set, you’re willing to walk away.
For example, an obvious boundary violation for most people, myself included, is infidelity. A while back I was seeing a woman for a short period of time when I found out she was still lingering around with her ex. This constituted an obvious boundary violation and the relationship inexorably fell apart. Had I tolerated this behavior, there’s a strong chance she and I would have stayed together longer and blown up in fireworks spectacularly down the line. But because I was unwilling to tolerate intolerable behavior, though breakups of any sort are never fun, the relationship ended appropriately and I was able to move on and grow more quickly. Did it suck? Yes. But sometimes the best thing for us sucks.
The people we allow into our lives and the relationships we have should be enriching, not soul-sucking and draining. Asking yourself, does this person enrich my life or worsen it? Is this person helping me grow or making me shrink? Do they treat me with respect or treat me poorly? Asking yourself these questions and having the willingness to walk away when they don’t meet your standards will lead to more fulfilling and meaningful relationships.
A book regarding boundaries that I found incredibly useful and interesting is Mark Manson’s Love Is Not Enough.
Until next Monday,
Trevor
(Note: If you enjoy this newsletter, please consider sharing it with someone who would get a lot out of it. If this was shared with you, you can sign up here to receive it each Monday morning. It’s free, plus you get a handful of special "thank you's" when you sign up).