Hello friends!
I was once asked by a rather crazy person I know, “What is happiness?”. I responded rather quickly, proud of the fact that I had a sufficient answer. “Happiness is forward movement towards something you’re aiming at. And it’s not the obtaining that satisfies you, it’s the journey along the way.” He stared at me with glaring eyes. I’m pretty sure he was on some sort of stimulant at the time, so I politely excused myself from any further engagement.
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A little cliche, yes, but still true as far as I understand. Why do you think Miley Cyrus’s The Climb was such a banger? She’s tapping into something deep. Sure she had a bit of a psychotic break a bit after but who wouldn’t at that level of scrutiny and fame.
When we try to force ourselves to be happy, it just doesn’t work. This goes back to the article I wrote on hyper intentions, something I learned from Victor Frankl’s Man Search For Meaning. Frankl illustrated the effects of hyper intentions with regards to sexual neurosis. So, much like happiness, if we focus on having an orgasm during sex, the odds of climaxing actually diminish quite greatly. Instead, we must allow the orgasm to be a side effect of the intimate act of giving ourselves over to the other person. If we focus on being happy, much like that elusive orgasm, the odds of happiness finding its way to us diminishes quite greatly as well.
Happiness is a side effect.
It’s what we experience when we feel deeply engaged in something meaningful. It’s when you look at the clock and realize four hours have passed and it feels like you just started. It’s when you’re entire being recognizes, “Hey I”m not fucking miserable. Great!”. It’s when you know you’re doing the right thing at the right time. It’s when your internal intuitions quiet themselves because you’ve finally listened to what they had to say.
A lot of self-help people will tell you that YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY AT EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE and IF YOU DON’T FEEL THIS WAY, THEN YOU’RE A FAILURE AND DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
This is exhausting. And thank God, it isn’t true.
No sane person would be able to be absolutely fucking blissful twenty-four seven. In fact, if you met somebody like that, you’d probably want to punch them in that smiling face of theirs. And yet some people still think the meaning of life is to be happy. Don’t worry, I’m not advocating you go all emo and doom and gloom on me, I’m simply suggesting that the meaning of life isn’t to be happy.
This is actually quite a relief because let’s be grown-ups, there’s going to be many times in your life that you aren’t happy. And if your highest value is happiness, you’re going to feel like you’re doing something wrong every time you’re not absolutely thrilled.
I’ve actually found this realization to be quite empowering. If I don’t feel the greatest, it’s not the end of the world, I just don’t feel the greatest. I know it’ll pass. Feelings and emotions are like storms, they come and go, and if you’re desperately trying to cling on to the feeling of being happy, and then to be nothing but happy, you’re ultimately going to find it fleeting.
Remember, happiness is a side effect. You can’t force it. As The Beatles said, you’ve just got to “let it be”.
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Thanks for reading or listening. I hope you enjoyed.
Your friend,
Trevor
(Note: If you enjoy this newsletter, please consider sharing it with someone who would get a lot out of it. If this was shared with you, you can sign up here to receive it each Monday morning. It’s free, plus you get a handful of special "thank you's" when you sign up).